I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
