1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I want a musical about memes.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
