I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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