My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
