My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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