I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
