I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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