I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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