we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
