Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
