I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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