Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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