Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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