and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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