I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
