Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
