Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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