so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize