Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
