Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
