He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
