i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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