Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
