we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
