we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
