I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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