I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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