I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
