a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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