you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
