last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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