He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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