it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize