yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
