Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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