Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This is my gift to your gina
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
