That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You made out with two different species that night
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
