i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
