I cannot find my penis.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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