I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
