I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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