wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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