I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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