mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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