you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
