Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
