Sry I called you an 8
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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