just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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