Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
