I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
