pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
