i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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