Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
