i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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