Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
